There is so much to explore and discover in this world.
Lately I’ve noticed that my painting is beyond therapeutic for me. It’s so filled with wonder and piques my curiosity constantly. For several days I had an inspired thought about a painting. It wouldn’t go away.
I was thinking about grief; that deep grief that just won’t go away. There is so much about life that we do not understand, it’s complex and expansive, always changing. There is so much about life that we’re told is suppose to be a certain way, when in reality nothing is suppose to be.
This was the nudge from the Universe, over and over again I kept hearing about ‘the should hole’. That is the painting.
Many of us are taught that life should be, or shouldn’t be expressed in certain ways. Children should not die before their parents is one I hear a lot. I also became aware that those shoulds and should nots are all part of a rule system based on illusions. They are attached to anger, to sorrow, to anxiety and depression. They are lies.
According to ‘google’ -‘Should is an auxiliary verb – a modal auxiliary verb. We use should mainly to: give advice or make recommendations.’
We hear it directed towards us in reprimands and we give those reprimands to ourselves. ‘We should have known better’ is a frequent flier in the beating ourselves up theme. But, how can we? How can we know what we do not know? Should is the food of insanity as far as I’m concerned.
It is a game we play that keeps us striving for a world that is absolute, when we know this world is constantly changing and nothing is really predictable. It is a game of chance.
When my son was killed in a vehicle accident in 2012 I met many people who told me that ‘should not’ have happened. But, it did happen. If I believed it shouldn’t have happened, then I’d be angry with what is, angry with all the people and circumstances that led up to the accident. I met people who also experienced the death of a child and told me they wonder what the child would be doing today if they had lived. ‘They should be married by now, I should have grandchildren by now’, are the stories based on shoulds . In reality we just can’t know any of those things.
The truth is there are no rules. People die when they die. People make mistakes, or seemingly missteps. We make assumptions about life based on our expectations which have no basis in reality. How do we know what is a mistake or misstep? How do we know it was not meant as it happened. If it happened then it happened whether we believe it should or not. We are arguing with illusions. When we do, we hurt. Feeling sorrow after loss is natural as we miss the loved one, we miss the job, we miss the marriage etc. It had a place in our lives and it no longer does, so there is a hole. (below is the painting these thoughts inspired- it’s still wet in this image, so you can feel free to throw your shoulds in the swirling paint too!)
We prolong our grief by spending our energy insisting that something should or should not have happened, when it did. ‘The Should Hole’ is where all the shoulds and should nots belong; in a black hole of nothingness where they can return to where they belong, they are no-thing, they only exist in our minds
I speak from my own experience and inspiration on this. I’m certainly not suggesting it’s wrong for anyone to play in the ‘should’ world. I am however suggesting that maybe it’s worth contemplating if you are- maybe it’s time to let it go.
Many experts on grief will tell us there is a cycle-first we are in shock, numb, denial follows, then anger and maybe rage, then deep sorrow and finally acceptance. I find that cycle is all over the place, in no particular order and it comes in waves out of the blue most often. I also notice there are places that I have no even considered I was grieving or that I had anger about what should or should not have happened. It took me three days of contemplating my life before I could paint the painting. I found so many hidden places deep within me that were sorrowful, angry and paralyzing in many ways. I didn’t know they were there. They were all the places in my life that I had assumed an outcome. I had been promised something by society, by the church, by family, history, protocol, and life rules. Some of those promises were implied, others direct, others assumed, and all of them were real in my mind. I noticed that we have a collective concept of the shoulds along with our individual ones and that in part, keeps us believing in the illusion.
What should have happened or should not have happened, simply didn’t. We are not taught to accept that, instead we make up stories about why, we blame, we shame and try to force things to be what we firmly believed ‘should’ be. I create the turmoil in myself when I believe the shoulds. If I knew then what I know now maybe something would be different, maybe I wouldn’t have done this or that, chose that job, that husband, that route for my trip, etc., we can go through our entire lives arguing about what is and being angry that what is is not the imagined outcome we had, or we can adjust to knowing that the world of should is non-existent.
This was a powerful exercise for me. I did not realize how much of life had disappointed me and for the most part the reason was I imagined it should be a certain way and when it was not, I felt betrayed, angry and confused.
As Spirit continued to nudge me to paint ‘The Should Hole’ , I continued to examine all the ways I’d been should-ing myself throughout my life. I imagined the shoulds swirling around in the beautiful paint and being gently drawn into the vast black hole of nothingness. That is what the painting called from me. I love it. Now when I hear my inner voice or ego saying something should or should not be, I laugh and I’m beginning to watch them swirl around the cosmic drain hole into nothingness.
Yes this painting will be offered for sale soon, in the meantime I’d love to hear your feedback on this insight. Do you should yourself? Did this article inspire you to let some of those shoulds dissolve? I’m wishing you a should free day and life!
Catherine
